We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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