remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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