Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
