drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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