smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
