So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
