There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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