apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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