I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
