He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
