whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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