shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
