He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I need to sanitize my soul.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
