Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
