You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
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The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
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I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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