Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
