I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
