finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
