My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
