don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
