i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
