I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
