Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
