While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
