The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
