I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
