I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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