when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
