I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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