it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
