I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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