i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
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