Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
