mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
