Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
