I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
