I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
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