My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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