Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
