I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
