I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
