True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
