Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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