i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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