I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
