I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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