Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
