I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
