We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
