Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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