Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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