The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
