just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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