So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
