I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
