If i could tip my vagina, i would.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
