My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
