My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
did i just pee glitter
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
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