weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
