No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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