If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
