When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
