Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Dignity is for republicans.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Randomize
